The Beginning

Christmas in 2008 will never be forgotten in my whole life. Just 3 days before Christmas I received the news from my superior officer that I won't receive any bonus in 2008 due to my poor performance. That was more than just a shocking news. I rely a lot on that bonus to finance my wedding this year, and the absence of that particular financing facility really has a detrimental effect on my whole wedding budget planning. As if not receiving a bonus is not enough of a blow in the face, on Christmas night I was told that the Management think that it is better for me to "utilize and expand my competences" elsewhere. I don't have to define that statement into details, it speaks for it selves. What hurt the most was of course the statement that said my performance was simply not enough. I went through a lot of things in 2008 for my department and it almost costed me my fiancee.

I was devastated and I thought my whole plan for 2009 had gone to ashes. I was dissapointed and I felt a very deep sense of hatred towards the management and several people that I assumed to be responsible for that bitter decision. But it was in this troubled time that I found a new enlightenment. In this dark moment of my life, I was beginning to think that all the plans that I had made in the early of 2008, and all the struggle that I went through for my department was anything but a waste of time. It's just that, I'm only a human being, and now I understand that a fine plan and hard work are not enough because there is a higher power that exists and controls your life. I believe that is what my fellow Catholics said as "God's plan".

I'm beginning to accept the fact that God might have a different plan for me and I have a strong believe that whatever the plan might be, it is a good plan because God is the creator of that plan. I also realized that I had become quite an obsessive person in 2008 and of course, it is very possible that I have made certain mistakes toward my peers that resolved into what happened in December 2008. Maybe I had failed in understanding what God wanted me to do in 2008 and missed all the signs that He had given through out the year.

I decided that I don't want to dwell my self in negative emotions. I am not a useless person. Though I might not have the competence that my current company required, I know damn well that God has given me something and it is about time for me to realize it and make it into good use. I'm starting to make some plans for that and this time I trully hope that my personal plan is in line with God's plan. I found out that doing positive things with all the talents that God has given to me is the best way to mop away all those negative feelings and thoughts.

Now, I'm feeling lighter knowing and understanding that I will be fine because God musts have a wonderful plan for my life. However, knowing and understanding is just the first step, the next step is to trully believe and put your life into God's hands. That next step is not easy, knowing that human ego will always exists inside of me and raging to prove that he can do everything on his own and better than anyone else. It is a devil inside of me.

It is true that God does not only shows himself in the form of happiness but also in the form of sadness, despair, and even anger. I learned from that.